I’ve had a lot to write the past while, but I’m terrible at doing so. I work far too much by choice, which makes me want to avoid screens any other time.

Last Friday I turned 35 and had a bit of an unexpected midlife crisis leading up to it! It reminded me of my dad on his 30th birthday – I remember he shut himself in his room for three days and didn’t want to come out. I wasn’t quite as dramatic, but mortality got real. 35 – when you round a number ending in 5, you round up. 35 is closer to 40! And 40 is half or more of my life! What have I done? I had a come to Jesus with myself.

The biggest topic pressing on my mind as always? My health and body and weight. Off and on my entire life I’ve meddled in various diets and had success, and then slowly creeped back to habits learned young and ballooned little by little. My hormones have always been suppressed because I’ve always been obese. Because of this, I’ve never had a normal cycle which was both convenient and worrisome, though mostly the first…until last Friday on my 35th birthday.

I’ve been married almost three years now and we haven’t been not trying, but we feel ready for a little babe now! But my body certainly doesn’t feel ready and I don’t feel it would be responsible parenting to get pregnant in this body. Likewise, it doesn’t feel possible because of my lack of cycle.

I have been really into the plant based movement for many reasons. I think it started a couple years ago when I saw the Unsupersize Me low budget documentary about a girl who was around my size and went vegan and in a year lost a load of weight – over 150lbs, I think. Then I began watching other documentaries like Forks Over Knives. Going vegan never felt like something I could do (I mean, cheese and travel!) but over time I’ve been making different choices, and am ready to go full out and commit for a month to see how my body feels.

On a spiritual note, I’m in a weird place at times but certain things ring true to me. One is the thought of the Word of Wisdom and how it says let grains be the staff of life, eat meat sparingly and in times of famine, and all produce in season. And the promise? Finding knowledge and wisdom, treasures, run and not be weary and walk and not faint, and peace in this life. I keep thinking that I need to put it to the test myself. What great promises to potentially receive! It seems it has worked for so many following a plant based diet, so why not me? It would be beautiful to avoid diseases that may be on the horizon if I continue this way. I see my family and the pain they are in from choices they make and I want a different life 20 years from now. I’d love to ditch blood pressure meds, my CPAP, anxiety and off palpitations, and pain and inflammation in various forms in my body. Above all, longevity aside, I’d love to heal my body to house life and be a safe place to grow a little peanut to carry on my own pedigree.

I went to a new midwife the other day to establish care. Long story short, I learned that the docs I saw over the past decade didn’t give me the whole story, and while my tests showed one positive thing (tests I never knew they took), they told me a negative thing. Basically, it was such good news at the appointment. I am ovulating – even if not showing it every month, I do have viable eggs, and contrary to what every doc said, I don’t have polycystic ovarian syndrome – they never told me that they looked at my ovaries. And guess what? No cysts. Everything looks good. I’m not a barren wasteland inside! Just need to get weight off to help my hormones balance and communicate.

This midwife is one I visited because I found her on the Utah plant based doctors website. She has been vegan for over 25 years and is a yoga instructor, too. It’s great to have support on diet and a provider that provides scientific studies and articles to back up healthful dietary practices – especially to prepare for pregnancy.

I identified my downfall. I work too much and never prepare enough to stay late. So I’ve decided to do some self care this year and part of that involves leaving work at a normal time. It also involves meal planning so I don’t come home overwhelmed or lazy or go to work and have reasons to stay there all night and snack on the wild side.

I spent this afternoon writing a weekly menu and then head to Rancho Market – $39 for over a week of produce is so cheap. And that’s more than usual since some of the things I purchased weren’t in season. Some weeks, I could get the same amount of produce for half the cost. I love ethnic markets. I often make the round to Rancho, a Persian Market, the Chinese Market, and an Indian Market.

I want to see how I feel after 3-4 solid weeks of veganism, dedicated. My body needs this, and I owe it to myself and my future. It’s important to show myself I love myself, which includes taken care of my body and nourishing it.